


Nothing Passes These Lips

by WhoAtHeart



Series: Possible Outcomes, McKirk AUs [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 08:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2575355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoAtHeart/pseuds/WhoAtHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay, so this is one possible reaction that Jim may have had to his experiences on Tarsus IV and with Frank growing up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Passes These Lips

**Author's Note:**

> I know next to nothing about eating disorders or the psychology behind them, but I went about it thinking it is probably similar to other forms of self harm which I do have experience with, but if I royally fucked it up I'm very sorry. I tried to be delicate with the subject matter.

It takes Bones a long time to notice that just because Jim was the best cook in the galaxy, didn’t mean that he actually ate. Takes him a long time to realize the pattern and understand the reason he wore baggy clothes. Took him too long to see and feel that he was losing weight and understand why. Because Jim always looked so happy, laughing and kissing Bones and doing everything short of anything that required less than full clothing. He feels awful once he finally realizes what has been going on underneath his nose for years because he’s a doctor and he should have known that Jim was starving himself, but knowing that his being a doctor was exactly what had kept him from realizing the obvious sooner.

He spent two years in the academy living with Jim before re realized that Jim never ate with him. Yet, each time he came home from class or a clinic shift, there Jim was, ready with a meal, usually some new recipe he wanted to try or one of Bones’ favorites. It was easy not to notice because by the time Leo was home, everything was packed away in the fridge, ready for him to take with him as leftovers when he wasn’t going to be back to their room for a meal. It was easy not to notice because when Leo watched Jim cook he tasted everything at every step of the process. It was only now that he realized that even if the doctor watched the blond cook, he always ran out before he got to eat anything and even though he usually forced the kid to bring a portion with him, that didn’t necessarily mean that he actually ate it. In fact, he was sure now that he didn’t eat any of it. Was sure that those little taste tests were all the food he ever ate.

How did he figure it out? He came home one night to smoke billowing out of the oven in their little apartment just off campus with Jim collapsed on the floor in front of it. He carried Jim out of the apartment after turning off the stove, not wanting him to breathe in any more smoke and ran him the three blocks to the clinic. He should have noticed before that Jim weighed next to nothing, except now that he thought of it Jim was always very careful to pull Leo on top of him when they kissed, never letting it be the other way around. And Jim really did weigh next to nothing, Leo didn’t even feel his added weight as he carried him, his arms feeling as if he were carrying a petite woman rather than a six foot tall man.

When Jim woke a day later Leo was sitting next to his biobed as he had been since he’d brought him in and had to hold his arm down when Jim realized that there was a feeding tube pumping calories and nutrients back into his body. He thrashed and cried and begged Bones to stop it, to take it out, to just let him be. Tears came into Leo’s eyes too as he had to call in nurses to bring in restraints to strap his boyfriend’s arms down so he didn’t rip out his IVs or feeding tube. He could barely bear the look of utter betrayal in Jim’s eyes.

“Why?” he managed through a cracked voice, needing to know why Jim thought he needed to do this to himself.

“It is mine to control,” Jim sobbed, “Mine, not yours, you can’t do this, please don’t do this to me.”

Except, it wasn’t Jim’s to control, not anymore. About a month into their time at the academy Jim had officially made Leo his medical proxy, not trusting anyone else to be that for him. Sam had left him, Frank would probably kill him given even an ounce of opportunity and Winona, well, she shouldn’t have to pull the plug on her last, best reminder of her husband, so Bones was it. And Jim was declared unfit to make these decisions as soon as they had seen the sheer extent of his malnutrition.

“I’m so sorry Jimmy,” Leo murmured, “I’m so sorry I didn’t see how bad you were sooner. I should have noticed, I should have seen, I’m a doctor for crying out loud.” He cut himself off, this wasn’t about him, no, now it was all about Jim. He’d scaled back on the hors he was going to do at the clinic and had notified Starfleet that they’d both be taking a leave of absence so that he could be with Jim while he recovered and got the help he needed. He was going to be with him every minute and help him monitor his caloric intake and make sure he never felt like his life was out of his control again because that seemed to be the root of the problem.

Jim didn’t talk to Bones for weeks. He let him visit and sit with him, but he didn’t talk to him or even look at him, still feeling betrayed. He was seeing a therapist who was helping him work on his control issues and helping him realize that there were better coping mechanisms than not eating, but each day was a struggle and each bite of food made him sick to his stomach.

For all of Jim’s silence, Bones filled every moment that they were together with chatter, hoping that Jim was listening, hoping that his apologies wouldn’t go unheard forever. Hoping that if he just kept coming eventually Jim would find it in his heart to forgive him, hoping that by the time they thought he was well enough to return home, he would be speaking to Leo again. 

And then, out of the blue, three weeks after the scariest moment of Bones’ life Jim turned his head to look at him and murmured, “I know it isn’t your fault and I know you love me and I don’t blame you anymore.” And those words were the sweetest words that Leonard McCoy had ever heard.


End file.
